Mayhem

I’m sitting where I belong now…

It is hard to go against who we are. Some do it for others, either a special person or the society as a whole. However, the only real way to self development is self satisfaction, simply because we are the only ones entitled to determine what self development itself stands for, so never go to war, especially with yourself.

For 21 months, I couldn’t hear myself think. My days and nights consisted in coerced energy consuming activities aiming towards a goal. As endless as they seemed, they did not go forever. I would look forward for a moment of relaxation, when I could sit back and evaluate the big picture. Those never came. Rather than that, my personal time was filled with distress and tail chasing.

As a result, I accumulated an enormous load of not analyzed experience. It is somewhat like spending a whole year without saving any acquired information when you work at an office. You can never retrieve it. In the other hand, the tightness of my relationship with this one person twisted my brains to the point I left my attitude and personality behind. I’m not sure if the ideal of love is to be as one, but if that means leaving everyone and everything else out of your life then I hope it’s not.

I assume she was going though something rather similar. It took less than a month for us to realize that we weren’t going anywhere, but we just couldn’t let go. A remarkable characteristic of the male in a relationship is the inability to end it. An everlasting concern about the partner’s well being stops us from prioritizing ourselves.

I was telling all my friends about being on the brink of singleness for over a year now. But it took her going to Europe to be convinced it was the best. I most certainly saw that coming from the date the ticket was bought, but having the patience to wait for her to take such resolution was being nicer that I needed to be.

As predicted, we were over from the moment she stepped foot in the country. Slightly ironic because even though this was so obviously going to happen, something was telling me to have another go, since I missed her during that time.

Photo: There is an expression in Portuguese language that says: -"I'm so lost I don't know if I get married or if I buy a pushbike." It never made any sense to me until just then, when i realized that keeping it simple is the way to go. The best way to do it is by being where u love, so all u really need is a pushbike, if even, since the fun lies within walking distance (D-bah, Snapper, Calypso, Coolie Hotel, Kirra). But that kind of freedom is best enjoyed as a single. When there is no wife, kids, girlfriend, you don't live with parents or whatever, life is much like playing GTA... You just do what your balls tells you to. I guess boys will be boys..